


Dawn of the night

by Anae



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M, Multi, Series of Oneshots, that form a story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 18:05:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1176206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anae/pseuds/Anae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One-time thing is fine, and it's fine to have a physical relief every now and then, as long as there are no feelings involved. But as you get to know the other, will you be able to stay indifferent? Lavi/Kanda. Each chapter is a stand-alone, but together, they form one complete fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The 1st night: One-time thing

**Author's Note:**

> Series of one-shots that together form a complete fic. Originally written in 2012. Back at the time, I poured my heart and soul to this fic - hope you enjoy!

 

_“How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.”_

Gilbert Keith Chesterton

* * *

 

 

The first time is an accident, a coincidence, something that isn’t supposed to happen, but it did. All in all, it is strictly a one-time thing - something they both agree about.

The second time is no different, and despite the time length between the first and second, it still happened.

They agree that it wouldn’t happen again. Ever.

Yet, despite their agreement and mutual thinking, after one successful mission they share a room, which eventually leads sharing bed and ending up spending the night together. Again. 

When later at the morning Lavi watches Kanda slipping into the long, black-white uniform, he sighs, making the other boy glance over his shoulder. “What?”

“Just thinkin’.” The red-haired youth flops himself to a sitting position, one green eye looking straight into the blue, pondering.

Kanda only ‘che’s as an answer and turns his back, focusing on pulling the long, raven black hair to a high ponytail. Lavi grimaces – he kind of likes when it’s free.

“We should do this more often.” Before Kanda can whirl around and protest – he only manages the first – Lavi is looking at him, all serious and explaining himself. “I mean- c’mon, we keep on sayin’ ‘never again’, and endin’ up comin’ back for more. And that goes for both of us.”

Kanda doesn’t answer, doesn’t admit that he doesn’t have enough self-restraint to stay away, not when his maturing body and hormones both are wavering his resolve.

“So how about acceptin’ this as something occasional?”

Lavi isn’t as stupid as he seems to be, and this time, he has a point. They wouldn’t be the first – or the last – people in Order to use human contact as a way to relieve tension and pressure that is thrown on their shoulders by duties, war and past. It is a momentarily escape route, better than sleep where nightmares claim their time, and maybe it doesn’t mean to be weak to take the offer.

However… “I don’t need any extra luggage.”

A warm chucked fills the air as one green eye, glowing like a gem, fixes on other youth’s face. “I’m heir to Bookman. I don’t want – or need – anything besides the physical.”

Kanda nods, taking Mugen that rests against the wall and presents his back on the other boy, mumbling something about a deal before stepping outside the door.

He doesn’t need to turn and see Lavi grinning.

 


	2. The 2nd night: Breaking the unspoken rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some unspoken rules in their relationship, but sometimes Lavi doesn't play by the book.

 

_"There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so."_

William Shakespeare

* * *

Since the third time, they stop counting. If they are around at the same time, and the other needs to release the tension, it is just fine. They do have one unspoken rule; they don't kiss. Maybe it is because kissing means feelings – which they do not have and will never develop – or maybe it is something else. Lavi doesn't know, and he doesn't care.

The other unspoken rule is to never stay after having sex – it would imply of emotions neither of them has, but the real reason is not to get caught. Neither of them wants to deal with people fussing over their non-existent 'relationship'.

The rule number two is broken on one rainy night at the Order – Kanda is tired from a long, hard mission and Lavi hasn't slept well in many days due to nightly log writings under Bookman's surveillance. Both of them are feeling sore and exhausted, so they take their time to time to catch their breaths, rain drops and warmth radiating from the body beside them, both fall asleep.

It is Lavi who wakes up first later that night – or morning, depending of your inner clock, the sun is just about to rise – and as he notices the sleeping youth next to him, he curses silently. It would be best to leave right away, and pray the heavens that Bookman hadn't noticed.

But somehow, Bookman junior finds himself reluctant to leave. Instead, his eyes roam over the exorcist next to him.

It is the first time Lavi has seen Kanda asleep. The usual frown and anger present on his face are gone, lulled away by sleep. Like this, for once Kanda appears as young as he really is, maybe even a bit younger. He doesn't look like deadly exorcist who can take a mortal blow and survive – he seems very young, vulnerable and somehow, content. Like nothing is bothering him.

But being experienced exorcist he is, Lavi's movements are starting to wake him up. As Lavi watches swordsman's face, he finds himself wanting to kiss those lips, taste them. His lips have already been on Kanda's neck, tongue trailed on his chest, lips wrapped around exorcist's cock. He knows the other's taste all over, and it is just wrong that he doesn't know the taste of those lips.

So, before Kanda is fully awake and telling Lavi to leave, the redhead flops himself up in one fluid movement and kisses him.

It is quite a wake-up call, but Kanda is fairly quick to react. He pushes the other youth away, not far since the position – laying on your back on the mattress, other person above you – doesn't give him any leverage. "What the hell?" he snarls, more shocked than angry.

But Lavi is having none of that, oh no, he wants to kiss the other exorcist properly, to taste his lips and mouth, and there is no way he is backing down now. So he flings himself over Kanda, pinning the swordsman to bed with his weight and crushes their lips together again.

Before Kanda can try and push him away again, Lavi's fingers pinch a nipple, causing Kanda to gasp, and that motion, accompanied by a hard tuck of silky raven hair, gives Lavi enough leverage, time and space to push his tongue deep inside exorcist mouth, exploring.

Lavi almost moans. It feels good, better than he ever thought it would – and then he pulls back enough to graze his teeth on the lower lip before pushing his tongue back to exorcist's mouth, this time tongue meeting its counterpart. Kanda's hand is tangled on red splash of hair, and then the rule of no kissing is forgotten, tongues sliding over each other, tasting and testing what feels best.

By the time they need to pull apart to get some air, they're both half-hard and panting.

And Kanda growls, but doesn't pull or push away. "Lavi. What. The. Hell."

And Lavi just grins. "Wanted to kiss ya."

Kanda's only answer is unintelligent growl, to which apprentice Bookman just laughs softly. "Don' worry, I'll make it up for ya."

Then they're kissing again, and reluctantly, Lavi pulls back, letting his mouth trail lower. It stops at the hardened nipple, sucking it while pinching the other with his fingers, making Kanda to bite back a whimper.

Grinning, he rakes his teeth down, down, over the muscles, pausing only at the navel to give it one good lick, tongue trailing all the way down. Kanda shifted his legs a bit to give Lavi room, and the other only smiled at that, rewarding it by a tongue swirling around the tip.

Kanda whimpers, and Lavi traces his tongue up and down, swirling, teasing, hands placed on Kanda's hips, not letting him to buck up.

Between whimpers, Kanda curses, and growls at his partner: "Just do it already!"

Lavi lifts his eyes to see the exorcist, and his own cock jumps at the sight; Kanda's face is flushed, raven hair free and splashed around the mattress, he's panting, and his blue eyes are darkened with lust.

Lavi moans himself, turning his attention back to the matter at hand. He takes Kanda's pulsing hardness, leaking with precum, to his mouth and sucks. Kanda shivers, biting back a sound, his hand flying to Lavi's hair, hips arching to the wet heat.

And the redhead doesn't mind, just sucks harder, teeth raking carefully over the sensitized flesh, enough to bring a taste of danger to this game. And then he's sucking again, hard and wet, lips closed over the pulsing length.

It doesn't take long before Kanda comes, biting back a scream so that only a groan escapes, and Lavi swallows everything he can, head popping up and down.

By the time Kanda's finished, Lavi climbs back to kiss those panting lips again, and Kanda lets him. This time though, it's Lavi who squawks to the kiss as Kanda turns the tables, pushing Lavi to the mattress.

And then Kanda's hand is on Lavi's erect cock and he's moaning to Kanda's mouth and thinking that morning-afters and kissing isn't half bad.


	3. The 3rd night: Inability to let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavi decides it's time for Kanda to let go of the control.

 

 

_"Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be."_

Henry David Thoreau

* * *

 

It surprises Lavi that even if he often is the one to initiate the action itself, it is usually Kanda who needs the escape more. Even through the eyes of becoming Bookman, Lavi can’t tell whether the missions with no survivors bother Kanda – even if he doesn’t show it – or whether it is lack of sleep – nightmares? – or whether war and the deaths of their fellow exorcist actually hurt, or whether it is the distance Kanda always keeps from others – and frankly, Lavi doesn’t want to know. He is heir to the Bookman. It isn’t his job to _care_.

But it nags him. The distance – the control, the aura of stillness that Kanda always has around him, even when they fuck. Of course, it lessens during the act, but it still is always there, always on the background. Lavi doesn’t mind being the receiving end, but he does mind the inability to let go.

So next time on the mission, Lavi slips to Kanda’s room – after Bookman falls asleep, the panda sleeps soundly when he does, thankfully – and finds his back pushed roughly on the wall, hands slipping under his dark shirt.

Lavi wastes no time on slipping his fingers to Kanda’s free hair, tugging and crushing their mouths together, licking, biting hard enough to draw blood as the other hand starts to open white blouse’s buttons.

Lavi’s shirt is soon tossed away, giving them time to breathe. Then Kanda’s lips are on Lavi’s ear, tucking the earring and licking the lobe, and Lavi’s hands are on Kanda’s shoulders, slipping down his exposed chest, blunt nails leaving angry red lines as they go.

Their lovemaking is never kind – it simply isn’t what they are looking for. Slow, tender and kind is for the people who care about each other, they just want the release. Hard, fast, even a bit cruel – it’s what gets them off, reminding that there is nothing beneath the surface.

The pants are soon dropped to the floor to join the abandoned shirt, and Lavi shivers at the skin contact. Kanda’s mouth is on his ear, nails digging to his hips, his own nails raking down on Kanda’s chest, teasing a nipple there – erupting small vocal sound – yes, Lavi knows where this is going. On any other night, he wouldn’t mind, but given the earlier thoughts of the control…

Lavi grabs a handful of that raven black silken hair, yanking Kanda’s head up, and crushes their lips together, biting hard enough to draw blood. Using the surprise to his favor, it is easy enough walk Kanda backwards enough for his knees to hit the bed frame. Kanda falls back first to the mattress, pulling Lavi on top of him.

Before the shock can turn to anger, Lavi’s tugs again, exposing more of that delicious, pale skin of other youth’s neck and giving it a long lick. “Sorry”, he mumbles, fingers of the other hand twitching on the hip, “but tonight, you’re going to bottom.”

“Wha – Ah!”

Whatever protest Kanda was about to made, is drowned when a finger penetrates him. Lavi tugs his hair again, sucking the expanse of the neck, ignoring the way Kanda’s fingers grip the sheets.

Lavi did have a feeling that Kanda had never done this before, and that feeling is now proved right – they are fairly young and the other youth has lived in Order long before Bookman even thought about joining in league with Exorcists. Someone curious, emotionless and brave – stupid – enough to even try to get anywhere near Kanda, let alone to get intimate with him? Lavi didn’t think there has been any. (Lenalee is a different matter altogether – she has known Kanda for the longest time, knows how to put up with his temper – she cares about him as a close friend, something no one else does.)

Lavi curls his finger a bit, and grins when hiss that turns into a moan escapes from Kanda’s lips. Without a further warning, he pushes another finger inside, biting down the neck at the same time – to give a small distraction.

It isn’t like Kanda to be so obedient, but at the moment, his focus is on pushing the pain aside and trying to find enjoyment of the matter – he finds it harder than he probably should.

But when Lavi starts to move his fingers – curling them, slowly scissoring them, moving inside out, Kanda soon finds himself whimpering and arching to touch. That hot, wet mouth on his neck and possessive fingers on his hair don’t help any.

Soon – too soon – Lavi withdraws his fingers, lifting his head, looking down at slightly panting and flustered Kanda, grinning.

“Bastard”, is the best Kanda can manage.

“Sorry”, Lavi answers, placing a chaste kiss on other’s lips, not really meaning the words. “Wanna see you lose control.”

He withdraws a bit, placing himself. “Ready?”

There is the smallest hesitance before Kanda nods, and it gives Lavi time to look at his lover. Kanda is beautiful like this; pale skin just a little bit flustered, fingers gripping sheets, silky, raven black hair sprawled on the white sheets, mouth slightly opened, slightly panting, legs willingly spread and length almost slick with precum.

Nearly all control given away.

Lavi can’t help but smile before he grips Kanda’s hips and pushes in. Kanda’s hands tangle in sheets, knuckles white, and he bites his lip hard, hard enough to taste blood, in order not to scream and wake the neighboring rooms.

Lavi whimpers, hard himself, wanting to move, but instead leans over to kiss his lover. Even though he doesn’t exactly care about Kanda, sex is about mutual pleasure – this hurts like hell at the first time, especially without lube, Lavi knows, having been there himself. It isn’t like they can carry lube around on their missions, especially not Lavi since he is tied to Bookman, even to a point of sharing his bags with the old man. And Kanda… it isn’t like Kanda to carry something that isn’t absolutely necessary with him.

As they kiss, Lavi’s fingers move to caress Kanda’s length, circling round the tip and then up and down the length, stirring the pleasure and lust up again. Ever so slowly, he starts to move, and when Kanda’s nails dig to his shoulders and the youth starts to meet up his thrusts, Lavi takes it as a sign to move faster.

And Kanda doesn’t mind; his fingers tangle in Lavi’s hair, nails’ leaving angry marks to other youth’s back as he meets his thrusts. Both taste blood on their kiss, licking, biting, swallowing each other’s moans.

Harder, faster, more.

Kanda comes first, the final strings of control snapping as Lavi swallows his moans and screams – it doesn’t take many thrusts for Lavi to follow, this time Kanda making sure not a sound slips to the neighbors to hear.

After laying there for a while, Lavi musters all strength and brain he has left to push himself up, pick up his clothes and leave the room. But at the door, he can’t but help turning. “Yuu!” Getting unnecessary grumble as an answer – probably something about using other youth’s first name – Lavi grins. “I’ll be topping again.”

It isn’t a question – they both enjoyed it, so Kanda will have nothing to say to the matter afterward. So, instead of waiting some unintelligent grumble, Lavi slips from the door, happy to know that even in this fucked up war-ridden world, there are some things that are worth of waiting.

 


	4. The 4th night: Falling leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them."

 

_"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them.”_

David Hume

* * *

 

Lavi isn’t a morning person. No, he prefers staying long up – prefers or not, he still has to do his logs and usually, the only time for those is at night – and he enjoys sleeping, thus, he stays in the bed as long as he can in the mornings.

Sometimes, he wakes up early though, unable to go back to sleep, without any particular reason. If the cause has been a dream, well… at least he doesn’t remember it.

So, with a sigh apprentice Bookman pushes himself up a bed, pulls some clothes on and goes outside – not away from the Order grounds, of course – but out anyway. It is very early morning, clock can’t be more than six, and the faintest golden rays of the morning sun are calling the world to wake up to another day. As the wind blows, playing with the leaves of numerous high trees, Lavi closes his eyes and finds himself letting out a deep breath.

As a Bookman, he has travelled around the world a lot, seen many things – far away countries, people from different backgrounds and religions, the faces of people; hate, love, trust, betrayal, death. He is an observer, someone who doesn’t get caught in such trivial things – wars come and go, and people never learn. The nature, however… Lavi smiles as he feels golden rays touch his awakening body. The nature stays the way it has been, but in the long run, unlike people it _learns_ from its mistakes. Evolution. Still, there are moments like this – when nothing moves, there’s just you and the nature. It is something apprentice Bookman has learned to value.

Lavi is awoken from his thoughts by the sound of something coming from the forest. Using his Innocence, youngster gets himself high up to a big branch – big enough to take his weight, and one green eye scans the environment.

The exorcist’s jaw drops.

Further away, Kanda is running, leaping high up in the air, his katana unsheathed, slicing the leaves wind blows down from the trees.

Kanda isn’t wearing his uniform – just dark trousers and decorated fabric belt that is accompanying them. The exorcist has bandages around his chest, apparently some Akuma sliced him pretty bad a day or so ago, but what draws Lavi’s attention is the blindfold.

Yes, he does know that Kanda takes training very seriously, and knows the swordsman is skilled, but he never expected _this_.

Kanda leaps again, Mugen slicing multiply falling leaves, from left and right, to half with precise accuracy. Another leap, and cold steely blade cuts through the leaves wind is throwing around, trying to protect them, wanting them to reach the ground in one piece.

Not one leaf falls in one piece.

It is probably that moment when Lavi realizes that Kanda truly is dangerous – thick white blindfold covering his eyes, he leaps in the air, cutting every leaf falling from the trees, slicing them in two. The moment the exorcist’s bare feet meets the ground, he jumps again. His feet barely touch the ground, his sword is like an extension of his hand, and despite the fact he is blind at the moment, his movements are fluid, never stopping.

Kanda is as deadly as he is beautiful.

Thorough Kanda’s training, Lavi stays and watches, high and far enough for the other exorcist not to sense his presence.

Next time Lavi wakes up early and can’t sleep, he doesn’t need to think twice what do with the extra time.

Of course, he never tells Yuu.

 

 


	5. The 5th night: Don't get attached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bookman knows and sees things the others don't. Especially when it comes to his Junior.

_“To find yourself, think for yourself.”_

Socrates

* * *

 

“Lavi, take your shirt off.”

“Whaaat?” Lavi slams his hands down to the floor, taking the book he was currently reading with him. The slam is harder than he initiated, but then again, he is surprised – and worried – about this sudden order from his master. “There’s no reason for ya to want to see me half-naked, old panda!”

“Lavi.” There is a warning tone on old Bookman’s voice, and it carries the most subtle hint of threat, enough for Lavi to wince. This is no joke, and despite his behavior, the youngster knows where this is coming from. Still, he never expected old geezer to be this blunt about it – well, he did, but different sort of way, more like ‘you are an observer’. And truth to be told, he is surprised that panda has noticed. He shouldn’t be, Bookman is clever and quick to pick up the tiniest hints, but nevertheless, he is.

So without further protest or badmouthing, Lavi takes off his scarf and shirt, giving the latter to his master’s reaching hand. The orange scarf however stays tightly on youngster’s lap. He needs something to dig his nails on, knowing what is coming.

Lavi isn’t unsure of himself or his body – before this, he has never felt the need to cast his eyes aside when someone is looking at him. Bookman’s eyes go up and down of on his upper body, observing.

There are some fading bruises and permanent scars given by Akuma, but there are different kinds of bruises as well, due to last night. Lavi is aware of the bruises on his neck, especially of the one on the junction of neck and shoulder. Yuu bit hard enough to draw blood, after all.

The apprentice Bookman stays on his knees, eyes fixed on the book pages, not really seeing them, let alone understanding the words written down. Vaguely, Lavi realizes he probably should be ashamed, being a Bookman and all, and maybe some small part of his brain is, but he can’t bring himself to regret anything. Not a lot, anyway. He was curious, needed a release – he is just eighteen for god’s sake – and Yuu is hot, Lavi has been watching him for a good while already, and there are no feelings attached.

Lavi will quit having sex with Kanda, since that is something Bookman will tell him to, and he will do it. It will suck, since the sex is amazing, but then again, that’s all it is.

So when Bookman tosses the shirt back at his junior, telling him to put it back on and keep on wearing that scarf, and Lavi does as he’s told, awaiting one hell of a lecture.

Instead, he only gets three words: “Don’t get attached.”

Lavi is dumbstruck, trying to find the words but not finding any – which is new feeling in this persona – and results opening and closing his mouth like a stupid goldfish on dry land.

“Get back to reading.”

And Lavi does, not really understanding what he reads for the next four pages. He is still surprised, but if this is all old panda has to say to Lavi about the matter of spending his nights with Yuu, Lavi doesn’t mind.

He doesn’t mind at all.

 


	6. The 6th night: Changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time changes us all, making us feeling something anew, even if we don't realize it at the time.

_“The brain that bubbles with phrases has hard work to collect its thoughts.”_

Unknown Source

* * *

 

Kanda is strong. One of the strongest exorcists in the Order.

Lavi knows this.

Yet, in middle of a battle, he finds himself glancing over his shoulder with his left eye, the good eye, just to see that the exorcist is alright.

And he is, slicing the Akuma in half.

And Lavi’s attention is back on where it should be, on the Akuma. The apprentice Bookman calls forth his Combo Stamp, combining Fire and Heaven, letting the snake destroy the Akuma.

He doesn’t glance at Kanda again, mentally kicking himself for doing so in the first place. Kanda is strong, more powerful than he is, and that boy can take serious damage and not die. Lavi can’t, he’s just human after all.

Still, after the battle, his eyes search for the familiar figure, and when he sees Yuu in one piece, he lets out a breath he never realized he held in the first place.

 


	7. The 7th night: Tick. Tock.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always a clock ticking time and life away for every living creature. Even for those who can't die.

_“When thought becomes excessively painful, action is the finest remedy.”_

Salman Rushdie

* * *

 

 

When Allen notes something about Kanda’s tattoo being different than before, Lavi doesn’t say a thing.

Not before he’s alone with Kanda, fingertips trailing over the spread tattoo. One green eye glances the lotus, and as the other youth’s eyes follow, his gaze snaps at the Bookman junior, daring him to say a something.

But Lavi doesn’t say a word as his gaze reverts back to the tattoo. He doesn’t know if the lotus has something to with Kanda’s life, directly or not, but he does know that the tattoo is a seal of Kanda’s regenerative powers. The center symbol, “Om”, is the same as before, but now there’s ring around it, spread over the left shoulder and upper ribs.

Kanda isn’t immortal. He’s human, and his clock is ticking, just like everyone else’s.

If not faster.

Lavi looks Kanda in the eye, and the other youth meets the gaze. There are no words, but it’s not hard to read behind the youth’s strong gaze. _This is what I am. This is what they made me._

Tick. Tock.

The hand on Kanda’s chest closes to a fist nails nearly breaking the flesh, and Lavi kisses the exorcist hard, dominating – just to remember that the body trapped between him and the wall is warm, that there’s mind and soul inside it, that despite everything that happened in the Ark, it’s not cold and lifeless, but very, very much alive.

 


	8. The 8th night: Fear of death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda understands just how fragile an uncursed body is.

_“We are ashamed of our thoughts and often see them brought forth by others.”_

Ralph Waldo Emerson

* * *

 

 

When Lavi wakes up, cracking one green eye open, for a second, he feels nothing. Absolutely nothing. And he sees barely anything, too. It’s quite dark, morning light hasn’t arrived yet, and the roof above doesn’t look familiar. Just where the hell is he?

In order to find out the answer, Bookman junior tries to rise from the bed – tries being the keyword – and yelps as pain comes in waves, suffocating and real. In seconds, there’s a figure beside him, gripping his shoulder, snarling: “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

There’s no way Lavi doesn’t recognize that voice. “Yuu?” he asks, and is about to ask what exactly is going on, where he is and why, but before he can do so, another wave of pain comes, bringing back the memories as well.

Akuma. Somehow it managed to injure him, three deep cuts – deep enough to see the bone – running from his abdomen up to ribs – too much blood lost, broken ribs and some internal damage were enough to send him to the world of unconscious.

Kanda must’ve destroyed the Akuma and carried him out of the battlefield, and gotten a doctor to look at him afterwards. In short, this is some random inn, he’s more or less high on drugs and the sun is about to rise. Understanding situation better now, Lavi’s eye is focused when he looks at the exorcist.

Kanda looks physically fine, even if he had to get some serious injuries too, but then again, his body heals itself. But despite the healing abilities, the other youth looks pale, battered and tired. Lavi shifts slowly, carefully, so that he can sit his back against the wall – slow movements sting, but they don’t bring pain like fast ones before.

Moving causes Kanda to let go of Lavi’s shoulder, but he doesn’t move away. Then, for one moment, nothing moves, the world stays still. It’s like an eternity suppressed in those twenty-and-something seconds.

But then Kanda pushes himself up, reaching for his jacket, ready to go to get something for Lavi to eat, now that the other boy is in condition to do so. But before he can get out of the door, Lavi asks: “How long was I out of it?”

“Four days”, he answers, not turning to see the other. He’s happy that Lavi only sees his back; Lavi is quick and good at reading people, after all. Kanda knows that he looks like he hasn’t slept at all during those days, which is the truth – since the doctor left, all he could do was to listen Lavi’s ragged breathing. Of course, he got to clean the horrendous wound and bandage it later again, but it only took moments. Besides that, the only thing to do was to listen – and wait for the breaths to ease or to end.

When he’s out of the room, Kanda leans to the door, closes his eyes and lets out a breath. Then he’s on his way again.

 

It’s not until much, much later – three or four days – that Lavi drags Kanda to an alley and Kanda is pinning him on the wall, lips sealed on his.

Rain is pouring down hard, leaving them soaking wet, but neither of them can bring themselves to care. They’re only a couple of blocks away from the inn where they are meeting the finder and Bookman – Kanda is to go back to the Order, and Lavi is to follow Bookman, where-ever it may be.

There’s no way to know when they will meet up again – if they will, Kanda finds himself adding, due to the latest notice of how vulnerable an uncursed body is.

By the time Kanda has sent Lavi’s jacket to ground, Lavi has just finished getting Kanda’s belt gone. Opening the buttons and finally pushing the long jacket off from Kanda’s shoulders, Lavi notes – once again – that he hates the exorcist’s complicated clothing. It looks great on him and protects and everything, but why couldn’t it be even a bit simpler?

Those thoughts are quickly disposed of – much like his trousers, dropping to wet ground – since Kanda’s hands are on his butt, finger tracing over the passage, but not pushing in. Then Kanda’s lips are on his, nudging his mouth open, and Lavi happily complies. For once, it’s not a battle of dominance, just licking and tasting and teasing and feeling good.

Then Lavi slides his hand between them, rubbing up and down, making Kanda groan against his mouth. As they pull away for air, Lavi undoes Kanda’s fly, pushes the trousers to wet, wet ground, and touches the exorcist again.

And Kanda whimpers, pressing his face against Lavi’s shoulder, licking the raindrops. He pushes one finger inside, and smiles as the other groans. Soon enough, he pushes another finger in, scissoring and curling, loving the noises Lavi makes. Just like Lavi loves Kanda’s ragged, hot breaths against his skin when he slides his hands up and down, stopping to give feather-light touches to the tip, teasing. Kanda arches against the touch, pressing their bodies closer together.

They both moan as their cocks touch, and Lavi wraps his hand around Kanda’s cock, stroking properly this time. Kanda withdraws his fingers, lips sealing whatever protest Lavi was about to make and his hand moves to front, starting to stroke Lavi in return.

The pace quickens, hands stroking faster and harder, precum mixing between them, their bodies slick with sweat and raindrops and they’re both moaning to the kisses, tasting rain and saliva and something all different together, and then waves of pleasure become overwhelming, and they come.

They stay still for a good while, trying to catch their breaths; Lavi’s back resting against the wall, Kanda’s head on his shoulder, hands on his chest. Lavi can’t help but stroke Kanda’s back. His touch is light and kind, almost caring. Kanda shivers despite himself – the hand is warm compared to the cruel, cold raindrops that somehow remind him of blood gushing from the open wound.

Lavi knows that it would be best for him to stay silent, but he’s tired of silence. “Yuu”, he calls, not getting any kind of answer, but goes still forward. “Did you think I was going to die?”

If Kanda opens his eyes and looks at the ground, he knows he’s bound to see a lotus.

Kanda shivers again.

“Yes.”

It’s one simple word, but it carries over so much more. Lavi knows that now he really should keep his mouth shut, since Kanda clearly isn’t exactly himself. It probably is the fact that Kanda hasn’t slept well during the time Lavi’s been awake – nightmares, Lavi knows but doesn’t ask about the contents, he has a feeling he doesn’t even want to know – and the junior Bookman has a feeling that Kanda didn’t sleep at all when he was unconscious.

So, staying silent would be the best and smartest option, but he wants to know if he isn’t the only one struggling. He takes a deep breath and speaks. “How did you feel?”

Kanda stiffens, and finds he cannot bear to look Lavi in the eye, so instead he looks at the lotus on feet.

Worried.

Scared.

Alone.

Instead of saying anything, he growls, pushes himself away and starts collecting his wet clothes. They’re terribly late, tired and soaked wet, and they cannot afford Lavi to get sick again.

Without turning, he simply says: “Let’s get going.”

 


	9. The 9th night: Ordinary day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes even Bookman Junior loses his composure.

_“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”_

Napoleon Hill

* * *

 

 

It’s just like any other day. Lavi and Allen are sitting on some huge, random rock, for once out of field. Outside the Order walls, it’s fairly quiet. Lavi likes it lively, and Allen does too, but sometimes the latter goes outside to take a breath and look at the world. To him, the vast landscape might represent the future he has hope in – Lavi doesn’t share those thoughts, but it doesn’t stop him enjoying the view.

The two of them sit and talk. They talk about the Millenium Earl, about their Generals, their lost comrades, recovering and absent friends. The mood of the conversation is more serious than it usually is between them, but then again, these are dark times.

But even the darkest times are not enough for Lavi to drop his character – Lavi is happy-go by nature, and soon enough, the mood brightens and topics of conversation become less and less serious, and in no time, they find themselves smiling and laughing.

That’s until Allen drops a bomb. “Hey, Lavi, which one of you is the bottom, you or Kanda?”

Lavi chokes on bare air, staring at the younger boy, mouth wide and gaping, simply shocked, and it takes time before he gets his tongue working again. “Excuse me?”

Allen smiles as innocently, shrugging. “Well, you _are_ screwing each other, right?” The brat cocks his head to side, smiling and looking adorable and innocent, which neither he apparently is. “I’m just curious.”

Bookman junior rarely loses his composure, and the words always just lull from his tongue, ready to be used, even before he thinks what he’s about to say. But this time, he’s speechless, and can only blame General Cross’ influence on the kid. Apart from Bookman, no one in the whole Order has even thought about the possibility of Kanda and Lavi having sex, but here beansprout is, acting all innocent, asking some very _personal_ questions.

Still staring and gaping, shock starting to clear off, Lavi realizes that it’s simply impossible for him to go and claim the truth as a lie. Apparently Allen is a lot sharper than he’s given credit for, and even an idiot could read Lavi’s previous behavior.

But there’s no way he’s going to get himself killed by telling that nowadays it’s usually him who tops. “Now that’s just too personal”, he tells the kid, glaring with one eye.

Allen stares at him for a while, before asking, innocent and curious and more than a little surprised: “You’re topping?”

Lavi all but squeaks, cursing both Allen and Cross and buries his face to his hands, groaning. He can’t escape. “Not always”, he mutters, gritting the word through his teeth, cursing himself for letting Allen know, but still knowing it’s better to defend the little of what’s left of Kanda’s pride. There’s no use crying over the spilled milk, but still… “Yuu’s goin’ to kill me.”

Allen laughs, lifting his gaze to the clear blue sky. “I doubt that.” Lavi knows better than that; if Kanda ever finds out that Allen doesn’t only know about their ‘relationship’ – screwing each other when possible – but also that Lavi’s the one usually topping, not even the entire Order could save him from Mugen’s blade.

“Don’t worry; I don’t plan on telling anyone.” Allen winks his eye, grin bright and happy.

Lavi groans back, remembering why the books are so much better company than humans. Allen is a man of his word, but it’s never too good to be sure. Besides, Allen isn’t the only one who can read people; Lavi can do that do.

“How about you and Lenalee?”

Now, Lavi finds himself grinning as Allen squirms, blushing and blabbering about how there’s nothing between them, how they’re just friends and so on. Lavi only listens with one ear, grinning all the time, satisfied to know that his secret is safe.

 


	10. The 10th night: Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If your life is based on observing and creating personas, what does that make you? Who are you?

  
_“Watch your thoughts, for they become words._   
_Watch your words, for they become actions._   
_Watch your actions, for they become habits._   
_Watch your habits, for they become character._   
_Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”_   


 Unknown

* * *

 

 

“I still don’t understand.” The kid makes a face, indicating that he wants further explanation, in words his nine year old self is be able to understand.

Lavi sighs at that, fighting back a groan and urge to call the kid stupid and brush off the question by saying that he’s too young to understand, but given the nature of the newest member of Exorcist family – immature, childish, hate towards studying in general – he just knows it won’t work.

Lavi’s hand runs through wild red locks as he tries to put a complicated matter – something that even psychologists wonder how to define – into a few, simple words. Easier said than done, really.

“Okay, okay.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. How did he end up in this mess in the first place? He was happily passing by, then Lenalee called him, asking to explain something to Timothy and after Lavi got started, the girl excused herself because of some big mess Komui had made.

So it’s just another day in Black Order really, Komui messing something up and Lenalee trying to put a stop to it, but explaining stuff to a kid is something no one isn’t used to, and given the pain of the situation, Lavi thinks before trying again. “Identity is your own sense of self, it’s who think you are. You are Timothy and you have a huge jewel in your head, and you think you’re awesome. As for personality”, he drops to one knee and tries seeing kid eye to eye, “it’s the way you think, feel and act. For example, Allen is quite self-sacrificing.”

Lavi can see and hear the wheels turning inside Timothy’s head as he was processing the words, trying to look smart during this but failing miserably, making the red-head’s lips twitch as he tries his best not to laugh.

“Maaaaaw!” the kid groans out after less than a minute, staring the older boy with a disappointed look on his face. “I don’t get it.”

Lavi just flashes a grin, ruffling the kid’s blue mullet hair. “You will.” Not in the near future though.

 

It’s later at the same day that Timothy comes to Lavi, tugging his shirt, rudely pulling the older boy away from others, wanting to “finish the conversation they had before” – really, who did he heard those words from? But Lavi doesn’t mind, and the others don’t either, they’re rather fond of the new family member, there hasn’t been a kid in the Order since Kanda and Lenalee grew up.

“So”, Timothy starts when they are away from the crowd and Lavi is sitting with the kid, looking him in the eye, “I think I got what you meant. My identity is that I think I’m awesome and I like girls, but my personality is that I’m sometimes a bit crybaby but a good boy.” A pause, the kid is beaming with pride and Lavi gives him a grin and a few encouraging words – he is a bit surprised, apparently Timothy can learn things when he really wants to – but waits for the punch line, the reason why the kid wanted to talk just with him.

“I get Allen, Lenalee and Kanda and others too, but…” he pauses, looking at his roller-blades as he swings his legs. “…I don’t think I got you.”

Before Lavi can comment that knowing someone else’s identity isn’t really that easy or ask what he means by not getting, the kid is on it again. “Lenalee told me that you’re going to be a Bookman and Lavi is just your current persona.” He pauses for a second, then looking at Lavi with his big eyes. “Does that mean that Lavi is your personality and Bookman your identity?”

“Yeah”, Lavi answers, because that’s basically it, even though in reality it’s more complicated, but Timothy doesn’t need to know that, he just needs and wants the basics down. When he looks into this child’s big, honest eyes and curious, focused expression, Lavi suddenly has a feeling that he really doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“Okay.” Timothy beams again, ridiculously happy that he understood something again, that he’s smart. “But…” the kid quiets down again, again trying to focus hard and understand. “…what does it mean?”

Being a nine year old child, Timothy doesn’t understand the real question he’s asking, something that only few people in Order have even given a thought to – they’re so used to happy-going, cheerful Lavi – who is he really? Who is Bookman Junior?

 

“What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” A confused gaze of a redhead snaps to the swordsman from the paper he has been writing, mouth stupidly open, mind in confused state – not only because he was just trying his best to write a report to Bookman, trying his best to make it good enough not to be turned back to him to redo, but also because Kanda actually asks him something that doesn’t include insult or fucking.

Kanda rises up from the floor and lays Mugen resting against the wall as he explains himself to the idiot. “You’re not yourself.”

Lavi gapes his mouth open for a moment, staring at Kanda – the person who can read no one, someone who simply doesn’t understand or care about anyone in general – who was able to figure out something was off by simply seeing each other briefly during the day and now just hanging together – Lavi trying to finish the damn report and Kanda polishing Mugen – for an hour or so?

For a while, Lavi contemplates about brushing the whole topic off, telling the other that he’s fine, which would work since Kanda isn’t type to pry, but then again, why should he? A sigh escapes the redhead’s lips as he starts explaining what happened with Timothy. That he couldn’t answer to kid’s last question.

It shouldn’t bother Lavi so much, he knows it, all because he’s going to be Bookman and he already is an observer. But at the same time, it’s the very reason why he’s bothered – he observes, takes another personality every time they change a place, Lavi’s just another one, in a way just a mask that’s, because of various reasons, he’s been wearing for a good two years now. Lavi exist for the reason to get close to people so it’s easier to observe.

The small child that Bookman took with him gave up everything he had, his home, family, name, just for the sake of becoming a Bookman someday – it’s never bothered the child, he never regretted making that choice because people are stupid and just ink on the paper – but right now, Lavi doesn’t know what to make of it. Sure, he remembers the child, his name, but the way he acted it’s all blurry – covered within thick fog – and wonders if that is him. If Deak and Lavi and other personas are him – which they are not – or just personas – which they are not, either – so who is that kid grown to?

Who is the person inside this meatsuit called Lavi? Is there someone? Was there someone to begin with?

Who the hell is he?

He’s read thousands of books, has the knowledge no one but Bookmen have, but he doesn’t have the answer. He doesn’t even have a clue to follow to trace the answer.

So Lavi puts his thoughts to words, not really thinking what he’s saying, just letting it out because Kanda was stupid enough to ask – so he rants through the confusing thoughts, watching Kanda to stay silent and just listen – and when he’s done, he feels like an empty shell he apparently is.

For a moment, the two just sit and look each other, trying to read and see through the web of silence, until Kanda decides to rip it apart.

“Che.” Kanda stands up, closing the distance between himself and the bed Lavi’s sitting on as he speaks. “Why does it matter? Right now, you’re Lavi, a Bookman and an Exorcist, a fucking annoying rabbit-brat...” Lavi drops his papers and pen to the floor, a smile starting to tug his lips upwards and Kanda closes the distance, pushes him on his back, and flings himself on top on the redhead with one fluid movement. “…and the only one who gets to fuck me.” Kanda leans closer, hands on Lavi’s chest. “Isn’t that good enough?”

Lavi doesn’t add that he’s the only one who’s not bothered by consistent dead-threats, only one actually likes and willingly stays with Kanda (Lenalee doesn’t count), but instead he chuckles and pulls Kanda to an open-mouthed kiss, tongues dancing and tasting – yes, it’s good enough, and even if it isn’t, he doesn’t mind the welcomed distraction.

When they part – due to lack of oxygen – there’s familiar warmth spreading through his body, especially in his lower regions when Kanda undoes the fly and slips his hand inside the trousers. Lavi draws a breath, hand slipping beneath the other youth’s shirt, fingers playing on the abs. As much as he would like the dominant Kanda fuck him in the oblivion, he has to think about tomorrow too, and that definitely sucks. “Yuu…” he whines, but is not allowed to continue.

“Shut up”, Kanda tells him, leaving a teeth mark to his neck. “I know you’re leaving tomorrow.” Meaning, he’s not allowed to be limping. “Who said fucking means control?”

Lavi’s breathing stops at that, and he’s fairly sure his heart skipped a beat as well, now that he looks into those darkened eyes, filled with lust and will to dominate, he knows what Yuu’s planning and well… Hell yes.

“Preparation?” Usually Lavi wouldn’t bother to ask, not after all they’ve done together, but for now it’s just best to play along with Kanda’s mood, because that will result something real good in the end.

Kanda contemplates for a second before leaning closer, discarding his own shirt in the process before helping Lavi to get rid of his own, redhead humming response in the process. He bites Lavi’s ear, pleased to feel the shiver running through redhead’s body. “Fine.”

Lavi grins at that, and then he’s kissing Kanda – who’s using his arms to support himself – and pulling the Exorcist’s trousers down, just enough to push one finger inside. Kanda grimaces at that, breaking the kiss, but Lavi is having none of that, oh no – dominant or not, he needs to have some fun for himself too. And well, since Kanda likes a bit of pain, it’s all good.

So Lavi kisses him again, tongue licking as he moves his finger and then adds another, loving the way Kanda trembles, the way his whimpers and moans down in his own mouth. With his free hand, he reaches up, pulling out the hair tie, making the raven hair fall down like a beautiful, living curtain.

He wouldn’t mind to fuck Kanda like this, either.

But soon enough Kanda pulls away, and reluctantly Lavi pulls his fingers away too, hands coming to rest on the pale hips, but can’t he help smiling as the other suppresses a whimper at that. They’re both breathing hard, Kanda harder than Lavi, almost half-hard already, truly ready to move on.

Both of trousers are discarded, thrown to the floor uncaringly, and Lavi can’t bring himself to care, not when Kanda is on his lap, looking him in the eye, that dark, hot gaze filled with lust. Then he slams down, hard, and both of them have to bite their lips in order not to cry out – Lavi’s hands are on Kanda’s hips and the swordsman’s hands are pressed flat against the redhead’s stomach, and he focuses on breathing.

Lavi is about to ask if Kanda is okay, partly because he’s just a little worried, but partly because he really wants to move – he wants to get more of that amazing heat – but then Kanda lift himself up and slams down again, this time Lavi thrusting up to meet his thrusts, nails digging to pale skin.

Up, down, up, down, heavy breathing and moans echoing the room, smell of sweat and precome and sex filling the air, the feeling of being engulfed by that amazing, wet, tight heat – Lavi knows he’ll never get enough of that. And the way Kanda looks – trail of sweat covering his pale body as he meets Lavi’s thrusts, his arousal weeping with precum, the way his beautiful raven hair falls down, the hazy look of mixture of want and lust – in Lavi’s vocabulary, there’s just one word for that, and that’s perfection.

Together they build up the pace – upon Kanda’s decision – fastening it with every thrust, building up the heat, building up the tension, harder, faster, more – until it reaches its peak. Lavi ends up coming first, followed immediately by the swordsman.

For a while, they just stay where they are, catching their breaths, coming down from high. With much effort, Kanda finally lifts himself up, whimpering a bit in the process and flings himself down to the mattress, physically spent, next to Lavi who makes an effort to clean up the worst mess.

Kanda doesn’t ask Lavi to stay, but the redhead does – he’s tired, spent, and would much rather spend the night sharing a bed with Yuu than returning to Bookman – besides, the old panda knew where he went to anyway, so.

When Lavi slips beneath the cover they share, without thinking, he drapes one hand over Kanda, who doesn’t pull away, and lets out a content sigh. “Yuu”, he starts, “thank you.” Lavi really means the words – Kanda isn’t exactly type to cheer people up, but he did his best for Lavi, and that’s what counts – and both his words and action helped. But in the end, words are meaningless between them, so Lavi doesn’t expect an answer, but sometimes, even Kanda can surprise him.

“You’re not the only one who doesn’t know who he is.”

The meaning of the words makes a lump appear in Lavi’s throat, making him forget how to breathe again, making him remember and understand that he isn’t the only one – he doesn’t know much about Kanda’s past, but he knows enough.

He can’t see Kanda’s face, not when he’s facing the young Exorcist’s back, and he doesn’t dare to try anything.

What really hurts is that as Bookman, he’s supposed to know everything and have words for every situation in this rotten world, but right now, there’s no sentence in his brain, not a word he can offer.

So instead of speaking, he pulls Kanda closer, presses his face to Yuu’s neck. Kanda doesn’t pull away, but intertwines their fingers.

It’s a moment of shared pain and understanding and maybe, just maybe, it’s good enough.

 


	11. The 11th night: Ink on the paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People are no more than ink on the paper, right?

_“Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.”_

Victor Hugo

* * *

 

 

“Lavi!”

The call makes Bookman Junior halt his steps and turn around, just to see Allen running towards him. “Allen?” he speaks out, a little surprised – after all, the kid should be readying to take his leave to Asian Branch, whereas Lavi is about to leave the headquarters, to follow Bookman somewhere else.

The kid breathes out heavily, steadying his breath – apparently he came running the fastest he could. Lavi is about to ask why, but then he notices Lenalee and Kanda coming as well. The latter is practically being dragged by the girl – even though the connection isn’t physical, it’s easy to see that Kanda would rather be elsewhere – and is obviously not thrilled about it. But then again, Lenalee is the only ones who knows how to handle the blunt swordsman – Lavi does too, but that’s something the rest of the Order will never know.

Lavi glances the Bookman, who’s not bothering to wait his apprentice. Lavi will follow in him in a few anyway, and to keep up the appearances, the persona Junior is now, he should stay behind to talk to his friends.

Friends that are no more than ink on the paper.

When Lavi turns his attention back to Allen, Lenalee and Kanda have also caught up with them. Lavi opens his mouth to speak, but Allen beats him to it. “Sorry to bother you, we know you should be meeting Komui in a few minutes, but we just wanted to see you before we have to leave.”

“Yes”, Lenalee continues, smiling to warmly to Allen and then to Lavi, “and because we don’t know when we’ll see each other again…” Her voice drifts away, the unsaid words and her worries laid back in the air between them. It doesn’t take a genius to understand the reason – worry about how the war is getting more and more intense, worry that each time one sees a friend might be the last.

And to Lenalee, friends are her everything – friends are her reason to wake up to the cruel world in the morning, her reason to carry the heavy cross of an Exorcist without running away.

“So”, Allen cuts in, filling Lenalee in and taking her mind away from the darkest of thoughts, “let’s make a promise. Because we’re friends, right?”

His smile is big, reaching his eyes, and through all her doubt, even Lenalee smiles fully. Lavi smiles back, somehow feeling warm and home. “Yeah!”

Just ink on the paper.

They reach out their hands, putting them on top of one another – much like they did in Ark. They survived from there – why wouldn’t they survive the rest of the war as well? “We’ll stay alive through this”, Allen says, tone serious, and maybe there’s just a little worry there? But he sounds sure, still believing in the future, after all that’s happened. “We’ll see each other again”, Lenalee ads, wanting so badly believe the spoken and unspoken words. Lavi can’t find anything to add – people are meaningless, just ink on the paper, after all – so he only agrees enthusiastically.

But… “Yuuu”, he whines, looking at the youth who’s standing a good two steps away.

“No way I’m doing that.”

“Please?” Lenalee tries, trying to get under Kanda’s skin, being sweet and kind girl she is.

“No. It’s not like I can die anyway.”

“Kanda!” Allen snaps, but before he can continue, Lavi’s hand is on shoulder, gripping gently, determined to put a stop to a fight before it begins. But it’s not like he likes the way Kanda is acting – the other youth didn’t go through this with them in the Ark either, true, and Lavi doesn’t really mind that, since Kanda just isn’t a people person. But he hates the way Kanda speaks of his own life – how he’s always spoken of it – it’s not like he can’t die; every single blow he takes and eats away his healing ability, eats away his life. Lavi has seen the results himself, even though he sometimes wishes he hadn’t.

But Lavi is a Bookman, he knows his way around people. And no matter how much Kanda disagrees, he’s a human being as well – and Lavi is fully aware of the power of the words, he knows how to twist them to hurt others, how to break a person with just a few sentences – the pen is more powerful than the sword when it comes to people – but he also knows how to heal, and more importantly, how to make the impossible possible. “Then how about we promise not to throw our lives away?” Lavi suggests, smiling, but not really, keeping his eyes locked with Yuu’s.

That catches Kanda off-guard, giving Lenalee the little time she needs. “Then that’s decided!” She’s quick with her movements, grabbing Kanda’s wrist and pulling him to the circle they’ve made, pulling his hand of top of theirs.

“It’s a promise”, Allen says, sealing the pact.

Allen and Lenalee are all smiles, eyes on the hands of the four youths who are more or less forced to fight over the future of the entire world, believing that everything just might end up well, after all.

Lavi looks at their hands for a while, wondering how it all came to this, but then lifts his eyes to look at Kanda. When the other lifts his gaze as well, their eyes meet and Lavi smiles, just a little, but all honest.

He knows Kanda doesn’t like to see others dying, and that he’s happy if the rest make through the war in one piece – and as for Lavi, he doesn’t like to see people dying either, and he’s happy that now Kanda is bound to the promise he never dared to ask for. After all, it’s been all but fun to see Kanda throwing his life away, one time after another – Lavi remembers how it felt to look at Kanda’s tattoo after the Ark, remembers how it felt to touch it for the first time. Those nonexistent feelings – he’d rather not experience them again.

When they all part their ways and Lavi starts walking, going after his master, his gaze finds at his hand, stopping, staring ink stain there. True, people are nothing but ink on the paper – but would it be wrong to think that some special inks have their own colour?


	12. The 12th night: Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes worry makes you do stupid things.

 

_"It takes two to speak the truth: one to speak, and another to hear."_

Henry David Thoreau

* * *

 

 

_“Do you know what time it is, idiot?”_

Lavi whimpers, staring at the black golem floating in the air in front of him, the machine almost drowned by darkness if not for white portion – it is dark outside, and the Bookman Junior has decided to be more than few meters away from the dimly lighted camp to make the call.

“Umm… A little over ten in the evening?” In China, that is. Lavi knows very well that Kanda is far, far from this country, in Jordan, where time is a good six hours behind.

Kanda knows this as well, which is why he is angry with the redhead, and Lavi lets the angry burst come out, even if he finds himself whimpering to the words, as meaningless as empty threats and name-calling are. But even so, this time, the words seem to lack the usual bite – Lavi can’t quite explain why, but he can tell something isn’t quite right.

 Although he has a good hunch of the why – his main reason to call Kanda in the first place – but it still feels odd to be able to notice it barely based on Kanda’s voice – sure, he knows the other youth well, and would be able to tell it fast if they were eye to eye, but this is something he couldn’t quite predict.

“Yuu, are you okay?” he says, his one eye on the golem, wishing that he could see Kanda eye to eye.

His answer is a soft _che_ , a snort and rudely posed question: _“What makes you think different?”_

Lavi’s hands close into a fist as he’s sitting on the cold rock, short nails digging into skin – it’s uncharacteristic of him to doubt something he’s already decided on, something he’s been thinking all day, frustrated at himself not seeing it before leaving the Order – this is something that would’ve been better to ask when seeing Kanda, but he doesn’t know when he’ll next get the chance – in short, he’s too worried about another person to care how things should be done.

Which is scary as hell.

“I heard about the third exorcists.”

The silence answers him, but he can feel the tension even tens of thousands miles away, even though he doesn’t see or hear anything, even if everything in his vision is darkening night and golem with nothing more than a quiet _bzzz_ radiating through the line.

“Yuu?”

 _“I’m fine.”_ That’s big, fat lie, and both of them know that – no matter what Kanda says, no matter how much he hates the Order, there’s no way for him not to be affected by the Order repeating their biggest mistake, just with new spices. _“It’s none of my business, I don’t care.”_

It reminds Lavi why he used to think nothing of the mankind – repeating the same mistakes over and over again, never learning. “But…”

_“How much do you actually know about me?”_

Lavi is taken back that Kanda doesn’t actually yell at him, but then again, his voice is sharpened with a razor blade, made of ice cold glass, cutting through everything there is – it hurts, claws at his supposedly non-existent heart, and for once, Lavi doesn’t have any idea of what he’s supposed to do – with Kanda, with himself, with these so-called feelings.

He could lie, but since he bothered coming all this way, he might as well tell the truth. “Only basics”, he answers, one green eye fixed at the golem, “I know what the Second Exorcist program was about, and I know how it ended up, but that’s all.”

Lavi’s certain that that’s not all there’s to it, that Bookman knows more, but he hasn’t asked, since it’s the old man’s call what he shares with his Junior – it’s not Lavi’s place to ask, especially not about Kanda. And for what it’s worth, he’s never asked Kanda about it – it’s not only that the other wouldn’t tell him, it’s just that he can’t bring himself to.

It takes a while before Kanda answers, hidden hurt evident in his voice – when did Lavi learn to hear something like that – not towards Lavi, not really, but rather towards everything that just went wrong, everything he’d rather not think about. The fucking lotus lying on his feet, for one. _“I’m hanging up.”_

Now that’s something Lavi’s not going to have, no way, not after being this honest and anxious through the day – there’s nothing he can do to make the other feel better, right, but this is still not okay.

“I was worried about you”, he snaps, words leaving his mouth before thinking.

The words hang between them, and it doesn’t really matter that there are thousands and thousands of miles between them, that the time is different, because those words hold an actual meaning, an actual feeling behind them.

Their deal was not to have feelings, to have nothing besides the physical, and even if something might have developed within time, it always went off unsaid – and now Lavi, being the idiot again, has changed that. It’s bad, because it’s more than just another broken rule between them.

But, for what is worth, Kanda doesn’t hang up, not even through the uncomfortable silence – not even when it stretches, and Lavi starts to think about shutting the golem down himself.

 _“Don’t”_ , Kanda finally answers, voice stretched and thin, trying to pretend it was just another idiotic phrase, just another ignorable comment, but failing because it was nothing of the sort. _“Just…”_ A pause. Lavi can practically hear the wheels turning in Kanda’s mind, much the same way his are – he doesn’t want to change anything and the same time he does. _“Lavi, I…”_

There’s some noise in the background, something that Lavi can’t quite make sense off, but he has a feeling that their conversation is about to end – a good thing in every way, with the lack of sleep they both seem to have, they might say some idiotic, meaningless things again, but at the same time he wonders how would it feel to be honest for once, wonders if it’s really okay to leave things hanging like this.

Not that they’re really given any other option, though.

 _“Sorry, I have to go.”_ It was to be expected, and Lavi can hear the boots scratching to the sand and stones as Kanda moves, their call still unfinished.

“Yea”, Lavi answers as half-grin makes way to his face – the whole situation is somehow very, very ironic. Still, it makes it possible for him to gather back some of the attitude he’s supposed to have. “But don’t you die!”

 _“Che.”_ Lavi can basically hear the small smirk on Kanda’s face as he’s hopping down the stones, making his way back towards the camp from which he left to have some personal space. _“I do keep my promises.”_

Now that catches Lavi unguarded – he certainly never expected the young exorcist to mention the promise that was more or less forced upon him – but Kanda’s not done yet.

_“And just for the record, don’t you dare to die either.”_

With that, the connection is cut, leaving Lavi staring at the black-white golem that just floats in the air, the machine incapable of understanding what its owner is doing. Lavi isn’t an idiot even if he more often than not acts like one – he does know the meaning behind Kanda’s words – the very same as his accidental slip. Except, this wasn’t a slip, nothing like that.

Lavi snorts as he stands up, a smile tugging his lips upwards – a smile, that for once, isn’t there for the sake of a persona, for the sake of pretending, but it’s very real – and looks to towards west where the sun has set down.

He does recall today’s conversation with the Bookman – the man told him to break up with Kanda, but when there’s no relationship, there’s nothing to break. Well, that’s not exactly true, and Lavi doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with either of the options, but as for now, he’d just have to leave things as they are. He’ll find a way to deal them somehow, but luckily, there are other problems now. Like saving the world, or something equal to that crap.

Lavi chuckles, one green eye set on the west, on the horizon. When did the things become so confusing and complicated? So human?

Knowing he’ll never get an answer, he turns, presenting his back to the west, hopping down from the stone to another, making his way towards the camp and a lecture he’s bound to have. But before he leaves, he waves his hand once, not looking back, mumbling with a smile on his face: “See ya later, Yuu.”

 


	13. The 13th night: Close your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's painful to feel.

_"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."_

Unknown

* * *

 

 

When Lavi finally gets some time of his own, his first and foremost action is to walk to Kanda’s room and lock the door behind him. Seeing Lavi, Kanda stops whatever he’s doing, stares redhead like he’s seen a ghost and then steps a good two, three steps closer in a flash, before halting his steps, unsure what to do.

Lavi feels the same – his thoughts didn’t go any further than to see Yuu _alive_. And now that the swordsman stands before him, Lavi no longer knows what to do. It isn’t like his mind is blank and empty, he’s a Bookman after all, his brain will never know how to stop, quite the opposite – right now, one thousand and one and more thoughts are passing through his brain, circling and not shutting down, making it all a blur. Too much has happened while he and Bookman were imprisoned by Noah, and even a trained mind has troubles collecting and organizing the information, desperately trying to turn it into knowledge.

It’s been just a couple hours since Lavi returned to the Order, only to be taken in by Komui – man was worried, anxious, yet happy that Lavi is alive – the man sat him down, filling in the missing parts, starting with giving Lavi a folder.

In folder, everything about Second Exorcist program was explained in detail – even the things that Bookman had chosen not to share with this apprentice. The further Lavi read, the sicker he felt – even if he doesn’t care about humans, he understands and knows that it is wrong to play with their lives like the Order has done.

When Lavi was done, he gave the folder back to Komui – once he had wanted to know and understand Kanda, but now he wished he’d never learned the painful truth. But the worst part had just started – Komui told him about Alma Karma’s awakening, about 14th’s true awakening, just about everything that had happened when Millenium Earl had decided to play a little game with Alma, Kanda and Allen.

Lavi stopped staring at Komui that point – he decided to look to anywhere but man’s eyes, filled with shame and self-loathing and hate – it hadn’t been the man’s fault, but he still felt responsible. Even if it hurt like hell to think that he would never see Kanda again, now that the Exorcist was finally free, deep inside Lavi knew it was for the best for Kanda not to bound in Order any longer.

But Komui wasn’t finished, not yet – the man told him how Kanda came back, got his crystal-type Innocence and went looking for Allen.

Lavi was shocked to the core to hear all this – his personal pains to hell for the time-being – and when Komui said that Kanda was in the headquarters for now, Lavi wasted no time getting up and leaving, almost forgetting his manners.

Komui didn’t ask what or why, of which the redhead was silently grateful.

And here he is now – Kanda is standing there in front of him, shock and relief written on his face, but the Exorcist is still not closing the distance between them. Lavi is the same – it’s like an eternity has passed since they last met – so many things have changed since then.

Everything and nothing running through his head, Lavi steps forward. As each step echoes in the silent room, he presses his palm on Kanda’s chest, right above the hated symbol. For the longest moment, it just rests there.

Ever so slowly, Lavi unbuttons the white blouse – Kanda tenses at the contact, but doesn’t protest, since he understands why – and soon the fabric falls to the floor, revealing pale skin and black lines that make one inhuman. Redhead’s fingers run across the tattoo – it spread considerably during the Ark, leaving multiply thin black lines behind, but now there are just a few lines, but they are thick – thick and black like a night without stars.

Tick. Tock.

Lavi’s hands close to a fist as he hears the invisible clock ticking – there is no way to know how much or little time there’s left. A person only has one life, filled with sadness and joy and everything they choose – or that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Instead of protesting, Kanda lets Lavi to look and touch the disgusting, black lines of his tattoo – there is no point of hiding it anyway, even if seeing it hurts them both. Slowly, Kanda’s other hand comes to rest upon Lavi’s neck, other entwining with red locks – it’s something he’s missed, so much he’ll never admit.

To Kanda’s surprise, Lavi soon tears his gaze away from the tattoo, hands gripping the swordsman’s arm just below the elbow, firmly pulling it down. Kanda opens his mouth to snarl an angry protest, but as Lavi’s gaze fixes on the markings, Kanda clamps his mouth shut.

Lavi’s thumbs run over the stigmas, the movement not stopping even when he lifts his head to look Kanda in the eye for the first time after their separation many moons ago. Instead of throwing a tantrum or crying, he simply asks: “Why?”

Somehow that one word stings more than Lenalee’s cries and Marie’s anger ever could. Kanda looks down to the stigmas, the markings he shares with those disgusting Noahs. The real reason – reasons – are something he hasn’t admitted to anyone out loud – he barely admitted to himself, somewhere deep inside the depths of his mind. “I awoke Allen’s Noah”, he slowly explains. By stabbing Mugen through Allen, 14th awoke for real – in the end, a Noah’s hate towards the Innocence is beyond reasoning. Even if Kanda doesn’t like the beansprout, part of him feels guilty and he owes a lot to that idiot. Besides… “And I…”

Blue eyes meet one green, and Kanda halts the words he was about to spill out, changing their form to something else. “This time, I chose to become an exorcist.”

Only silence answers him, along with the smallest tremble of hands and shocked, understanding, yet sad green eye.

“Lavi…”

Kanda is silenced as fingers grip his head and his mouth is nudged open, skilled tongue forcing itself in, teeth careless enough to draw blood. Lavi doesn’t want to hear about Alma or about that person, doesn’t want to know how much they meant to Yuu, doesn’t want to understand how much he means to Yuu, and above all, he doesn’t want to hear the name that isn’t supposed to be his anymore.

The kiss is returned the same ferocity it’s given – if they couldn’t afford feelings before, they can afford them much less now. The war is still ongoing, the Earl is closing his trap, ready to get the world rid of people, and the Exorcist are readying themselves for the final battle – it’s very likely that not many will survive, and deep in his heart, Kanda is fairly sure his time will run out before peace, and Lavi knows this as well, and the duties and the meaning of being Bookman are slowly sinking in, even though Lavi thought he knew everything already.

They fumble to the bed, Kanda hitting mattress first and Lavi following – the shirts are already on the floor, rest of the clothing following shortly – soon there is only skin between them and even that is too much. Kanda’s nails are on Lavi’s shoulders and back, leaving angry red lines behind, leg pulling the redhead even closer – and Lavi’s teeth are on Kanda’s neck, leaving marks and bruises, fingers trailing over the tattoo, down to hips, gripping hard.

Lavi doesn’t ask if this is okay, they still have no lube and it’s been months, since he doesn’t care – they’re both breathing heavily, their cocks are touching and hard and Kanda arches his back, silently telling him to get on with it already.

Except maybe he does care, just a bit, since he halts after entering to the heat that engulfs around him, and breathes, in and out, and stays still for a moment, one green eye looking at the Exorcist beneath him.

Kanda pretends it doesn’t fucking hurt, pretends that he didn’t squeeze his eyes shut, pretends that pained yelp didn’t just get past his lips.

So Lavi waits the shortest while, licking and biting the Exorcist’s neck, hand gripping the swordsman’s cock, pumping in an uneven rhythm – enough to distract, to stimulate, to bring arousal back to life. Then he starts moving, hands coming to grip the pale hips again, leaving behind bruises.

It still hurts, but pleasure is slowly overwriting the pain, and soon they’re both panting and moaning, teeth clashing, their bodies moving together, hard and fast and desperate, and soon, too-soon, they come, following each other over the edge.

The orgasm leaves them both tired and panting, and after pulling out, Lavi can’t help but kiss Kanda again. The reality starts kicking his functioning brain cells into action, into thinking what he’s supposed to do, but he doesn’t quite want to let go yet.

The kiss ends, leaving the pair in uncomfortable silence with little options what to do. Kanda’s hand trails Lavi’s neck, and Lavi’s hand is on that silky black hair. When Kanda looks up, Lavi pretends he doesn’t notice. For once, it’s that way – Kanda reaching out and Lavi not replying.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter. They’ve always kept silent when they shouldn’t have – always danced around what’s important.

Yet, Lavi can’t suppress a shiver when Kanda licks his neck. It’s a long, good lick – starting from the bottom of the neck, moving upwards to the junction of neck and jaw, sucking lightly a pulse point there.

Lavi almost whimpers, vaguely wondering somewhere deep in his mind when Kanda learned all this, remembering Kanda’s reluctance to touch and be touched at first – they have come a long way from that accidental one-time thing so long time ago.

And that is something Lavi definitely doesn’t want to think about. Not how much they have changed, not how much they have changed each other, not now when it all is coming to an end.

So, instead of letting his thoughts to run a circle with no exit, he drowns himself to this exact moment. So, he pulls Kanda closer, and before soon, they end up sitting on the bed, inches apart, Kanda’s lips still on Lavi’s neck, and Lavi’s hands on Exorcist’s back, pulling him closer, as close as their bodies let them.

Kanda shifts, positioning himself better on Lavi’s lap, and the redhead eases himself inside the Exorcist as the heat closes around him again. Small hiss escapes from Kanda’s bruised lips, but there’s very little pain – he is slick from their earlier encounter, after all.

Lavi starts moving slowly, almost refusing to pick up the pace. For this once, he wants to cherish the moment – wants to let Kanda know he treasures the man despite his flaws. Sure, Kanda isn’t an easy person to get along with – he doesn’t let anyone close, never ever, and there’s the boiling anger that hate that always seem to be present. But that’s just the surface – even if Kanda says he couldn’t care less, still he never lets anyone die, but rather takes a mortal blow himself. And as for that anger – it’s just a defense. It took a long time for Lavi to figure it out, but he did.

Just like it took time for Kanda to understand what was hidden inside Lavi’s mask – sure, he still knows very little about the Bookman Junior, and knows that Lavi is just another alias, but he’s seen and felt the colours Lavi thought he didn’t have.

Kanda moves down to meet Lavi’s trust, and together they build up the pressure as their hands and lips move around, touching and caressing everything they can reach. The pace is slow – once they thought they couldn’t do it like this because it meant emotions they neither had nor wanted to have, but now they’ve gotten over it, or rather, they no longer care.

But unfortunately, everything has to end sometime. The pace quickens, the pressure builds, the room temperature rises, moans and hard breathing fill the small room. Just before the climax, Lavi sucks and licks Kanda’s earlobe, whispering possessively: “Come for me, Yuu.”

And Kanda does, Lavi’s name on his lips as he comes.

Lavi bites the juncture of Kanda’s shoulder and neck, wanting to leave a mark that won’t fade away by morning. Surely, Kanda’s healing body has been useful for both of them – there are never marks left behind, so no one has ever had suspicions of the two of them sharing a bed. Yet, sometimes, Lavi wants to tell the whole world that he’s fucking Kanda, that Kanda is his, that they share a connection neither of them can explain.

But it’s not like Lavi is the only one with possessiveness. Kanda pulls the redhead’s head back with one hand and locks their eyes. Then he moves, making Lavi moan helplessly, so close of coming. “Your turn.” He presses ghost of a kiss to Lavi’s lips and whispers, hot breath upon redhead’s skin: “Come for me.”

And with two trusts, Lavi does, almost screaming Yuu’s name as he comes.

As they try to catch their breaths, their eyes lock again. They never let each other’s names to fall from their lips – they didn’t want anyone to hear, to know, but more than anything, it felt too intimate.

It’s just another unspoken rule they’ve broken, but this rule was more meaningful than any of the others.

Yet, as they fall back to the mattress, with smile and smirk on their lips, darkness and unspoken words haunting their eyes, they say nothing; just fall asleep on each other’s arms.

 

It’s in the middle of the night when Lavi wakes up, one hand draped over Kanda’s body. He doesn’t move an inch, not wanting to wake up the sleeping figure. It’s not the first time Lavi’s seen Kanda sleeping, but nevertheless he finds is as beautiful as he did on the first time. Kanda is always beautiful, but like this there are no weight on his shoulders, no shadows lurking behind the seemingly angry gaze, and the shadow of the lotus isn’t looming over him.

Very few people are capable of seeing those shadows, not the least because Kanda has built up a reputation of being someone who doesn’t care whether you live or die – just a cold, emotionless bastard. Lavi is one of those few – but more so, he has seen the colours Kanda claims and thinks he hasn’t.

Despite what Kanda may think, Lavi knows what he’s witnessed, and the spectrum of those colours… He considers them beautiful.

Lavi knows very well he shouldn’t think things like these – he’s supposed to be a stand-byer, an observer. Heir to the Bookman. Lavi grits his teeth – the old man must’ve seen this coming, yet he didn’t stop them, not in time at least. Why didn’t he tell them to stop before it was too late, that’s something Lavi wonders. He doesn’t have an answer – and now, he’s never going to get one.

Lavi knows what he must do, but the thing is, he doesn’t want to let go. The redhead resist the urge to pull Kanda closer to him and lay his head on the Exorcist’s shoulder, resist the urge to wake him up and tell that despite everything, he has feelings - feelings that weren’t supposed to exist. Lavi squeezes his eyes shut, wanting to know how things ended up this way. He wants to talk about this, wants to find the solution that doesn’t exist.

Instead, Lavi pulls his hand away from Kanda, and rolls of the bed. Ignoring the needles in his heart, he looks for his clothes, dresses up and looks at the Exorcist, drinking the sight, making sure it never leaves his memory – no matter how good it is, this is something he refuses to forget.

Lavi says his goodbyes without any sound falling from his lips – Kanda would wake up if he did – turns his back to the Exorcist, eyes fixed on the door. He starts walking towards it, and with each step, a new needle pierces his supposedly non-existent heart.

When there are only two more steps to go, a familiar voice stops him.

“Lavi?”

Lavi bits his lip and squeezes his eyes shut. He wasn’t fond of leaving in silence, but this is even worse. Instead of giving lengthy explanation of a cheerful Bookman Junior every in the Order knows, he keeps his gaze forward, hand squeezing into a fist so tight that nails pierce skin, he bluntly answers: “It’s Bookman now.”

Silence falls to the dark room. It cradles them, as unwilling to let go as Lavi is. It takes a while before neither of them moves – in the end, it’s Lavi who turns around – only half-way though – because he just has to see Yuu’s expression.

Kanda looks at him, eyes dark and piercing. Kanda might not be smart – but he’s not an idiot either. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that while they were apart, old Bookman died – probably by the hands of Noah, leaving Lavi little choice but to step up the boots he left behind, ready or not.

The Exorcist wants to say something cruel, but he doesn’t. Lavi is just following the path he chose long ago, and he never wished to interfere with that in the first place. Besides, looking at Lavi’s one green eye, it’s painfully obvious that he’s hurting – and Kanda doesn’t want to hurt him any further, as ridiculous as it may sound.

The silence stays as they stare each other in the eye, diving to the depths of each other’s minds – they’ve known each other long enough to know that most of the time words, even the action sometimes, are unnecessary.

Yet, Lavi wishes that Kanda would say something – would make him stay. One word and he would be unable to leave – just a held out hand would be enough, since Lavi knows he would take the offer and not look back.

But Kanda won’t do that because – Lavi knows – he cares. Should Lavi stay, he would stray from the path he decided to take – he would walk away from his dream, would betray his teacher. No, Kanda won’t ask him any of that.

It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell, though.

Saving one last glance to his lover, Lavi turn his back to Kanda, walks the two remaining steps to the door, opens it and steps out. As the door closes, one figure is left sitting on bed, one hand gripping sheets, one hand squeezed into a fist on top of the tattoo, pretending it wasn’t a tear that fell down to the mattress and that the pain in his chest, right in his heart, is just something about the curse the Order laid down on him once upon a time. The other figure is standing on the other side of the door, head on his hands, telling himself that the feeling of heart bursting out of his chest is metaphorical and very human, something he isn’t. Lavi might’ve had feelings after all, but it was just another alias, and now only Bookman should remain.

Lavi – Bookman – knows all this, and when he finally reaches the room he used to share with his late teacher, he slides down, back against the closed door, looking at the dark, empty room. He pulls his legs to his chest, head on his knees as he tries to breathe, tears burning behind his eyes.

He is a Bookman. He is an observer, he doesn’t care about anyone, everyone is just ink on a paper.

But if that’s how it is, then why, why does it hurt so much?

 


	14. The 14th night: Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war is over, but there are still things that are unfinished.

_  
"When we have 'second thoughts' about something, our first thoughts don't seem like thoughts at all - just feelings."_

 Sydney J. Harris

* * *

 

Cold metal slashes through thin air as the dying, pale sunlight shines on it – the blade is moving with an incredible speed in formations that even experienced eye has trouble keeping the record on.

It slices through the unseen enemies, through those that only exist in the mind – the metal sings along with the wind, making it easy to drown in the movements, drown in that exact moment – then there’s no need to think about the past, present or future. As the sword moves in the wind, as an extension of the body, there’s only now. Nothing less, nothing more, just the moment that’s gone faster than the wind.

Destroying the temporary magic like this is fairly easy – only a few spoken words are needed.

“You’re still practicing? The war’s over, you know.”

Kanda stops moving and turns sideways to look at the redhead – Lavi is leaning on the nearby pillar, well-practiced smile on his lips, hands folded. His sentence is full of nonsense, and he knows that as well – of course Kanda knows the war is over, he was there when it all came to an end. He saw how the Earl fell, saw how most of the exorcists died – as unexpected that it was, he wasn’t one of them.

So yes, the war is over and he still holds onto Mugen, even if it’s nothing more than a sharp, well-made sword anymore – as the Akuma were destroyed for good, there was no reason for Innocence to stay anymore either. It’s not that he doesn’t know or understand any of that – it’s just that he doesn’t want to think how to move on now, doesn’t want to let go of the one thing that’s left for him, let go of the one thing he knows how to do.

“What are you doing here?”

Kanda’s voice is carefully blank, filled with the usual undertone of anger, but it’s understandable – after all, Lavi – Bookman – interrupted him with some nonsense. Besides, it’s clear to both of them that Kanda had no wishes of seeing the redhead again, now that he’s supposed to leave and move on to recording something else.

And truth to be told, he turned his back to Order once already earlier in the day, left for good – even if Kanda wasn’t with the others to say goodbye, it doesn’t mean he didn’t watch the scene from afar. But now Bookman is back, for whatever the reason.

“Well…” the Bookman smiles, fingers running through red locks without meaning to. “I forgot something important.” His smile is big, apologizing – but it’s all fake.

The way the redhead looks right now is fairly different from what he used to be – instead of the Black Order’s uniform, he wears a beige poncho, even his green bandana is switched to a black one that’s resting on his neck – it’s like there’s nothing left of the persona called Lavi.

With a grumpy _che_ Kanda slips Mugen into its holder – he no longer wants to be here, no longer wants to practice - he’s done with putting up this ridiculous façade. Soft steps echo in the yard as he walks by the other youth, only to be spoken to, again.

“Yuu, I…”

“Don’t call me that”, Kanda snaps, not halting his steps, determined to get the hell out of the place before he does something incredibly stupid – like slices the Bookman to a half.

But Lavi isn’t finished yet – as Kanda passes by, he grips the Exorcist’s wrist, trying to stop him. “Just listen, I…”

Instead of doing like he’s told, Kanda forcefully pulls his hand free, glaring at Lavi, eyes filled with anger, loathing and something else – if there’s something he doesn’t want in this world right now, it’s to deal with Lavi. “There’s nothing I want to hear from you”, he hisses, turning his back to the redhead again.

Lavi grits his teeth – he understands Kanda’s reaction towards him, after all that has happened – but he can be stubborn as well. After so many sleepless nights, he’s made his decision, and he most certainly isn’t backing down now.

“Come with me”, he calls after Kanda before the swordsman reaches the door and disappears from his life for forever. Lavi’s voice is raw and honest – he means what he’s saying, he wants Kanda to leave this place with him, wants them to move towards the future, whatever it might be, together.

That makes Kanda turn on his heels, blue eyes staring at Lavi incredulously. To him, nothing makes sense anymore – it was Lavi who ended their so-called relationship months ago. He can still recall that night, can still remember the turmoil of his heart, can still feel the unclosed wounds in his heart. “What?”

Lavi lets out a long breath – even after all this thinking, he still doesn’t quite know how to say those three simple words, so he goes roundabout them. “There’s nothing for you here”, he breathes out, taking a hold of Kanda’s confused blue gaze. “The Order will cease to exist within two weeks. Everyone will leave. They will go back to their families or build up a family themselves. They will leave somewhere to start a new life with someone. They will start a normal life.” Lavi pauses and swallows – why is it so hard to say that he cares? “Can you do that?”

For a while, Kanda doesn’t answer, just turns his head, tearing his gaze sharply away from Lavi. What Lavi says is true – he’s been a weapon all his life, hell, that was the reason why the Order didn’t let him die in the first place. Unlike everyone else, in this life Kanda hasn’t lived outside the Order’s walls – he doesn’t know or remember anything else.

So how’s he supposed to live now that the war is over? He doesn’t have any idea. He wasn’t supposed to see the war’s end, and especially wasn’t supposed to survive.

When Kanda doesn’t answer, Lavi knows he’s hit the mark – unlike many people think, dying isn’t hard. In death, everything ends – life itself, yes, but pain and suffering as well. It’s easy to die – it’s much harder to live on and keep on struggling.

“Yuu?” Lavi quietly calls out, stepping closer, slowly closing the distance between them – not only the visible one, but also the deep abyss they built up just months ago. “Please, come with me.”

Kanda still isn’t looking at him, his gaze is averted, eyes fixed on the ground, nails digging into his palms, almost breaking the skin. Knowing what to do is never easy – a year or so ago both Kanda and Lavi thought they didn’t have a heart because that was something that only belonged to humans, and somewhere along the line they proved each other wrong. It’s not something that happened over-night, but by the time they realized it, it was already too late.

Lavi stops in front of Kanda, not daring to touch him, barely daring to be there. “You’re the reason I came back.”

Earlier today he already left the Order, but after walking in silence, only accompanied by his thoughts and pained heart, Lavi realized that if he wanted to be even half of the man Bookman brought him up to be, he would have to go back.

The Bookman didn’t teach him to have a heart, that is true – but he though him how to live, how to write.

Lavi knows that the way he is now, he’ll never be able to write records well – not if all he has in his mind are regrets. Those regrets – in the form of a young, beautiful swordsman – hold him down, making his writing nothing but a mess of letters.

That isn’t what he was brought up to be.

So what if he cares? It’s a broken rule, yes, but it’s something he can’t help, not anymore.

Besides, neither of them meant to fall in love. They never meant to claw their way to each other’s hearts – they never meant to hurt each other like this.

Kanda still can’t bring himself to look at Lavi, but his fingers find their way to Lavi’s hair, entangling themselves with red locks. He doesn’t know where Lavi is going, but that’s fine – it’s not like he has anywhere or anyone else to go, anyway.

He doesn’t say anything though, but knows Lavi understands. The redhead’s hand comes up to touch Kanda’s neck as he shifts closer, pressing their foreheads together, letting out a breath he never realized he was holding in the first place and closes his eyes.

It feels like coming home.


	15. The 15th night: Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war is over, but there are still things that are unfinished.

_"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."_

Unknown Source

* * *

 

It’s a late evening – sun is setting down, casting its last golden rays to the ground before giving control to the darkening night. The playful wind is blowing over the open fields, playing with the grass and fallen leaves.

Lavi sets his package down, letting out a breath - they’ve walked all day long, since the road from Black Order is far to the nearest city is very, very long. Once upon a time, it was necessary for the Order to be out of people’s reach, but now that’s no longer the case – officially, the Order even doesn’t exist anymore.

It feels weird and somewhat sad – Lavi had learned to call that place home – not to have a place to return to. But as the redhead lifts his gaze to the open sky, he understands it’s not that bad, since despite the fact that the Exorcists aren’t together anymore, the memories and bonds still remain.

Speaking of which… Lavi’s one seeing eye shifts from the beautiful scenery to Kanda, who’s also dropped his light back to the ground. The swordsman’s eyes are on the scenery that’s laid before their eyes – open fields and long roads as far as the eye can see. Lavi knows Kanda joined him willingly – after all, there’s no one in the world who could force the blunt swordsman do to something he doesn’t want to – but it doesn’t help the nagging voice inside his head, the voice that tells him that he pulled Kanda with him into something he shouldn’t have.

Lavi doesn’t know about the future, doesn’t know where his path to record things will take him – but at least he knows about what he’s doing, knows about his clan, knows what he’s supposed to be and do.

Very little is known about Bookmen outside their clan, since they don’t want themselves known – neither their job, nor their identity. So, basically… Kanda still doesn’t know anything about him or what he’s thrown himself into.

“You don’t have any questions?” Lavi blurts before thinking – it’s something that’s been bothering him for quite a while. He just can’t believe that there are absolutely no questions – human mind is always brimming with them, it’s not only him who’s curious.

Kanda turns to look at the other youth, briefly surprised gaze in his blue eyes. “Not really”, he answers, taking a step back and leaning his back to the wall stone of the cliff rising beneath him. For a while, the swordsman stays silent, eyes on Lavi, studying the redhead before he speaks again. “I can still call you Lavi, right?”

Lavi stares at Kanda for a while incredulously – of all the questions he could’ve asked, this was the one that’s been bothering him the most?

The redhead chuckles, pushing himself to his feet, hand coming to run through the red locks absentmindedly. “Yea, I guess.” He pauses, grin coming to light his face as he cocks his head to the side. “It would be weird for you to call me Bookman, so yeah.”

Yes, that would be just too awkward – they share memories of the old panda, and Lavi values those memories more than he’ll ever admit – the old geezer wasn’t just ink on the paper either.

“’sides…” Lavi’s voice drifts off a bit as he catches Kanda’s eyes. “Lavi’s big part of me, anyway.”

It took him a long time to get in terms with who he is – he’s still not entirely sure – but he knows that Lavi’s been around for so long that it’s impossible to ditch him to the side, to bury so deep into the ground that he would never be found again. No – whether he’s completely Lavi or not, he doesn’t know, and because Kanda is with him, he doesn’t even care.

A moment passes between the two as neither of them speaks – after a while, Lavi shatters that fragile web – not because it’s uncomfortable, but because he still finds it hard to believe. “No more questions? Like my real name or Bookmen clan or something?”

“Che.” In Kanda’s mind, things aren’t that complicated – he will ask when he has to know, will demand explanations of things as they come. What good it would do to know beforehand about things that don’t matter right now? “I told you, didn’t I?” His tone carries over just a hint of annoyance – they’ve been through this before, haven’t they – as he looks Lavi in the eye. “You are you. That’s what matters.”

Lavi chuckles as unexplainable warmth spreads through him, all way to his heart – he should’ve known Kanda better than this. He does remember when Kanda told him that – how could he forget – but he also remembers what happened afterwards.

The redhead doesn’t let go of Kanda’s gaze as he closes the distance between them, step by step, until he stands in front of the swordsman, hand coming to rest against the cold stonewall next to Kanda’s head. “I’m also the only one who gets to fuck you, right?”

“Idiot.” It’s the only comeback Kanda can give while looking at the happy grin on Lavi’s face – before he sweeps it away by pulling the redhead down into open-mouthed kiss.

Lavi doesn’t mind that at all – he’s slightly taller than Kanda, and it’s easy to use that little difference in their height to his leverage to deepen the kiss.

As their tongues dance, their hands move impatiently – Kanda’s hands are pushing the redhead’s shirt upwards, fingers tracing the muscles as Lavi’s fingers open the buttons of Kanda’s shirt, pushing the boy’s jacket down. He’s silently grateful that Kanda no longer wears the uniform – as hot as he looked in it, the fact was that it was hard to undress.

When they part, panting and already growing hard, they get rid of Lavi’s shirt and poncho as well – like many times before, the clothes are thrown to the ground, abandoned without a care in the world.

Lavi cups Kanda’s cheek before tracing his fingers along the red lips. Something flashes in Kanda’s eyes, and that’s the only warning Lavi gets before he opens his mouth, slowly taking one finger in.

Lavi’s eyes widen as he gasps – due to both shock and pleasure. For some reason, he finds himself captivated by the motion of Kanda’s lips as they move around fingers, the way his tongue licks them – Lavi finds his breath grow faster at the sight.

Just one look in Kanda’s eyes tells him that the youth knows what he’s doing to Lavi – that he is fully aware how much it affects Lavi to watch Kanda sucking his fingers.

But before long, Kanda lets the wet fingers slip off from his mouth and gives Lavi a small predatory smile. That is enough to wake Lavi up – he presses their bodies close together again, pushing his knee between the swordsman’s legs as he claims another kiss.

As their lips move in unison, Lavi’s hand traces down Kanda’s back, all way down to his trousers, pushing them down a bit. Then he slips his just wetted fingers between Kanda’s ass cheeks, biting down to swordsman’s lower lip as he pushes one finger inside.

Kanda groans at the intrusion, breaking their kiss – it’s been a long, long time since they’ve done this. His leans him head back – only to meet the cold stone – as his fingers run across Lavi’s chest, drawing patterns.

Lavi licks Kanda’s earlobe. “Relax.” He moves his finger back and forth, carefully adding another and stretching – his other hands slides from Kanda’s neck to his chest, playing with a nipple there. His hot mouth traces down, from Kanda’s earlobe to his neck, down to the junction of his neck and shoulder as Kanda trembles under his touches – Lavi bites down, realizing that he was an idiot to ever think that he could let go.

After some more stimulation, Kanda decides he’s had enough of this – it’s time to move on. “Get on with it”, he breathes out, blue eyes dark and hazy with lust.

Lavi doesn’t pull back – he only withdraws his fingers, not missing a hiss that leaves Kanda’s mouth. His hand comes to rest on the other youth’s neck as he nibbles the bite mark. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

It takes a while for Kanda’s muffled brain to understand what Lavi means. And when he does, he looks at the other youngster, trying to figure out why – it never was a big deal before. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not”, Lavi argues back, lifting his head to look Kanda in the eye as his fingers run through the raven black hair. It might be stupid to argue over something like this, especially in the state they are in, but for once, Lavi wants to show Kanda how much he values him. It’s something that’s not easy to say but…

The honest, loving gaze in Lavi’s eyes tells Kanda everything he needs to know.

That doesn’t change the fact that they don’t have anything to use as a lotion, though.

Kanda closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. “Fine.”

Then, to Lavi’s surprise, he takes the other youth by shoulders, switching their places – now it’s Lavi who has his back against the cliff.

The readhead is about to protest – he doesn’t want Kanda to fuck him dry either, no matter how hot that might be – but Kanda effectively shuts him off by placing a kiss to his lips. The swordsman’s hands trace down on Lavi’s body, to his trousers – then he undoes the fly, slipping fingers between the fabric and skin, giving the sensitive flesh a firm squeeze.

Lavi moans, but Kanda is not done by far – he pulls Lavi’s trousers down, dropping to his knees as he does. The look on his one green eye is confused as Kanda gazes up to him, hands coming to each side of the redhead’s hips.  “Don’t choke me.” That’s the only warning Lavi gets before Kanda’s lips touch his member.

Lavi throws his head back – only to hit it to the unforgiving stone – as a breathless moan slips from his lips. Of all the things, he didn’t expect Kanda to do that. Not that’s he’s complaining – Kanda’s lips are on his cock, tracing around the sensitive skin in unpredictable patters.

Nails scratch the stone behind him as Lavi moans again, doing his best not to grip Kanda’s head and fuck his mouth – he knows he’s as good as dead if he does that without permission.

When Kanda swallows him as whole, he almost loses it – he manages to keep his hands at bay, but can’t stop his hips for thrusting to that hot mouth. But Kanda holds his hips on place as he moves his mouth along the length – he knows when to use his teeth, carefully, enough to add a sense of danger to the play. He knows what to do with his tongue, knows exactly what to do to drive Lavi crazy.

When Lavi’s getting closer, Kanda pulls back – earning an unhappy, horny look from Lavi – and rises up to look at the redhead in the eye, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. There’s a small grin on Kanda’s face and his eyes are prickling with humor as they look each other in the eye – Lavi can’t help but smile himself. Seeing Kanda smile is rare, and it’s a sight Lavi hopes to witness more often now that the past is mostly left behind – he hopes that he could be the reason for Kanda’s smile.

He doesn’t say anything though, just pulls Kanda closer so that he can kiss him. As their tongues clash together, Lavi can taste himself – it’s dirty, but at the same time, it’s sexy.

Kanda presses closer, hand coming to Lavi’s neck and bare chest as their tongues battle for dominance – it’s a bit futile, since they both know how it’s going to end, but it doesn’t stop them from tasting, licking, driving each other closer to the edge.

When Lavi decides to turn the tables again, switching their places, Kanda doesn’t mind. Not when Lavi’s knee is pressed between his legs, his hand running down his chest and his lips on his. Lavi breaks their kiss and rubs his knee against Kanda’s still clothed hardness – making a breathless moan slip from swordsman’s lips.

The redhead smiles at the sound as he bites Kanda’s neck again, other hand caressing the swordsman’s nipple, teasing it. At the same time, he slips his hand inside Kanda’s trousers, touching the hardening member.

There’s very little Kanda can do, being assaulted so thoroughly – so he focuses on breathing as soft gasps and moans leave his mouth.

Lavi is grinning against his skin, licking and sucking on the bite he just made – he hopes the mark would stay on Kanda’s skin, so that he could tell the world that the other youngster is his. It’s a very possessive and stupid thing, but he can’t help it – he’s sick of hiding. Although the rest of the Order probably realized the truth as they left together – Lenalee was the only one who didn’t seem shocked (the girl is something out of this world, really), just smiling at them and telling them to take care of each other.

Lavi loves the way Kanda trembles beneath touches – he’s the only one who can have this.

After more teasing, Kanda presses a hand against Lavi’s chest, putting some distance between him and the redhead. “Get on with it”, he growls. His breathing is quick, his lips are swollen and there’s a bruise forming on his neck – who’s Lavi to disagree?

They get rid of Kanda’s pants in record time – after that, Kanda grips Lavi’s neck, pulling the youth closer so that their faces are mere millimeters apart. “Face to face”, Kanda simply informs – he doesn’t mind taking it from the back either, but after such a long separation… He wants to see Lavi’s face. Without waiting for an approval – who needs one, anyway – Kanda closes the distance between them, slipping his tongue inside the redhead’s mouth.

Lavi moans his approval as he grips Kanda’s hips – together, they manage to adjust their position so that Kanda is back against the stone wall, legs wrapped around Lavi’s waist, and Lavi’s hands are on his hips. It might not be the most comfortable position for either of them, but as Lavi’s cock – slick with precum and saliva – enters Kanda, neither of them cares.

Lavi moans as the heat engulfs him – it’s been too long, far too long – and Kanda hisses, doing his best to breath, because it fucking hurts.

The redhead forces himself to wait for a while for Kanda to get adjusted – he can’t do much to distract Kanda, not in this position, but he licks the other’s neck again, sucking a pulsing point there.

Eventually, Kanda’s breathing calms down just a bit, but Lavi’s still a bit afraid to move – he knows that pain will turn into pleasure, but he still dislikes the thought of hurting Kanda. Especially now that he’s finally understood the depth of his own feelings.

Experimentally, Lavi moves his hips, gaining some kind of a mix between moan and hiss from Kanda’s mouth, and decides it is good enough. But as for that distraction…

Lavi presses his mouth close to Kanda’s ear, as close as he can in this position, biting the earlobe before speaking, hot breath tickling on the sensitive skin there. “You know… I love you.”

Before Kanda can stay anything, Lavi moves again, this time pulling almost all the way out and slamming back in – again and again. Kanda can only hold onto him, short nails digging into his shoulders, panting.

After a few more thrusts, Kanda starts moving as well – he lifts himself up, slamming down onto Lavi’s cock as the redhead thrusts upwards. Both of them moan of Lavi hits Kanda’s prostate – Kanda throws his head backwards, only to hit it to the rock.

Moving faster and faster, they build up the rhythm – Lavi is basically the one is charge, but Kanda meets him with every thrust. Lavi’s cock slams inside time and time again, position allowing him to hit Kanda’s prostate every time, to bury himself deeper than before. As they move, Kanda’s back scratches against the jagged rock wall – it hurts, but the pain mixes with pleasure, making it even more arousing.

As Kanda leans down and their foreheads come close together, their lips brush together – it’s nothing more than a loving contact in the midst of lust and pleasure, but it matters to them.

Kanda comes first, Lavi’s name on his lips – Lavi follows him immediately, very nearly screaming Yuu’s name, taking aback by the force of his orgasm.

After ejaculating, Lavi’s grip eases, and Kanda slides to the ground, barely noticing the way his back is hurting. Lavi drops to the ground as well, hand still resting on Kanda’s hip.

“Lavi, I…” Kanda starts, and as dark eyes meet Lavi’s one green, Lavi knows what he’s trying to say.

Lavi shakes his head and as he presses his fingers on Kanda’s lips, both his eye and voice are warm, caring. “I know. So… don’t force yourself, okay?”

Lavi knows Kanda cares about him. He knows that Kanda has lost Alma twice, has lost the only one he has ever loved, that in his heart, Alma still has a special place – it’s perfectly understandable that Kanda can’t bring himself to say such words.

But it doesn’t mean that his emotions are hidden – Kanda is more open with Lavi than he’s ever been with anyone, and Lavi can read people, can read Kanda – he sees everything he needs to from Kanda’s actions, from his eyes.

Kanda shifts his gaze to the ground – it’s only three words. He can fight the Akuma, he can fight Noah, but he can’t say how he feels.

Lavi’s touch is soft on his jaw as the youngster gently forces Kanda to look at him. There’s a small, knowing smile playing on his lips as he leans closer and brushes their lips together.

As Kanda lazily kisses back, just losing himself to the feeling of being loved, he finds that the words really don’t matter.

 


	16. The 16th night: Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now hear my song, about the dawn of the night."  
> \- Van Canto, Bard's song

_“You have to have the darkness for the dawn to come.”_

 Harrison Ford

* * *

 

In the dark sky, there is a beautiful, silver moon – it looks like it’s so far away from the Earth, from everything and everyone – it makes one wonder, is the moon ever lonely?

Kanda lets out a sigh as he watches the clear, cloudless sky. His blue eyes are on the moon and the stars that accompany it – it’s not lonely when there’s someone around you.

The swordsman hasn’t slept too much – it’s not like he was plagued by nightmares, but Lavi’s earlier confession had him thinking – what exactly is he’s scared of?

Kanda pulls his legs closer to his body, probably for the first time in his life trying to understand his own feelings. The war is over, there are no Akuma or Noah playing around in their stupid quest to destroy the mankind anymore. Kanda wasn’t scared when they were, so what is it that is pulling his heart down now?

He’s almost startled as a familiar voice speaks behind him.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Kanda glances over his shoulder to see Lavi standing a couple of steps away. He did sleep – after being ravaged so thoroughly – but not too much. A simple fear of being left alone or leaving someone left behind, alone, stopped him.

But Kanda doesn’t say anything – instead he lets out a soft _che_ and turns his gaze back to the sky, to the white moon and golden starts that accompany it, weeping away its loneliness.

Lavi understands nevertheless – with a chuckle, he comes to sit behind Kanda’s back, pulling a thin blanket to cover them both, to keep them warm. Kanda leans backwards to comforting warmth, resting his back against Lavi’s chest as the redhead wraps his hand around the swordsman’s slender waist, adjusting their positions.

When Kanda moves, his raven black hair moves slightly, revealing a bruise on his neck – he doesn’t even realize Lavi noticed, not before the redhead’s fingers brush over it, gently. Kanda freezes at the touch, but as Lavi’s fingers withdraw, and he presses his lips at the bruise, even so gently, Kanda relaxes, hand coming atop of Lavi’s, gripping it gently.

It’s the one thing he hasn’t yet told to the redhead – how much of his healing powers are gone with the wind. Kanda doesn’t know it himself either – that is possibly the biggest part of the fear gripping his chest.

Kanda knows exactly how painful it is to be left alone to live – it’s something he doesn’t want Lavi to experience.

Yet… he can’t let go either.

“I don’t know how much time I have left…” Kanda finds himself saying. It’s easier like this, he doesn’t need to look into Lavi’s loving eye, doesn’t need to feel ashamed of how ridiculous it is of him not to be able to say the three words. So, instead, he intertwines their fingers, eyes in the sky. “…but what I have left, it’s yours. If you just want it.”

Kanda still doesn’t understand what Lavi sees in him – he’s arrogant, blunt and cold-hearted. Lavi could’ve had anyone or not anyone at all, but he chose him. Why, that he doesn’t understand.

But then again, he doesn’t have to.

Lavi smiles against his hair, wrapping both of his hands around Kanda’s waist, pulling him even closer. He doesn’t know if he’s ever felt so happy, so content – he regrets nothing. “I love you”, he tells him. Lavi knows he won’t say it like a mantra, because then it would lose its meaning – maybe – but right now, it’s important to say those words. To let Kanda know that Lavi definitely won’t let go. Ever.

They stay like that, in each other’s arms, for a long, long time. They watch as the morning arises, washing away the dark night – they watch as the dawn comes.

They night was long and filled with pain and suffering, but at least it amongst it, guided by a few stars, they found each other.

And now it’s time for the night to step aside and give room for the dawn of a new life.

 


End file.
